Chemists do it on the table ....

Guys in pink
People singing with their iPods
Zebra print shoes
Coco
Vegan Nuggets
British accents
Wackaloon
Vibrate
Wool/ silk blend yarn
Single serve Haagen Dazs coffee ice cream

*Sorry. I guess LJ ate about half of the post.

This post isn't brought on by anything specific. However, it is something that's been on my mind for a bit. It started to float around my head after reading about the Open Source Boob Project. This story got to me. But in the entire story, nothing bothered me more than this line,

By the end of the evening, women were coming up to us. "My breasts," they asked shyly, having heard about the project. "Are they... are they good enough to be touched?" And lo, we showed them how beautiful their bodies were without turning it into something tawdry."

because there's a small part of me that feels the same way these women do, that needs some external validation of my appearance.

Then there was the whole DC Madame mess, where the men involved, like Sen. Vitter, were given free passes, but the women were put on the stand and made to testify about how they induced orgasms in their clients. The prosecutor even asked one of the women what she did about the whole sex thing while she was menstruating. All of this for a money laundering case.

And all of this continuously pointing out that even today, women do not own ourselves.  When I think about it, it's a lesson people have been trying to teach me since I was five years old.

Kindergarten, riding the bus home a boy wanted me to kiss him. I said no and got pushed to the floor. I never said anything.

When I was in fourth grade, another girl asked me when was I having the baby. Why did she ask me that? Because I had started puberty, and shocker, had developed breasts. By the end of that year I was wearing a D-cup, while most of the other girls weren’t even wearing bras.

The next year I was accused of stuffing my bra by a girl I didn’t even know. I had just moved to that school and she was in the other class section. I tried to talk to an adult, but they ignored it.

In sixth grade I got asked out by someone I kinda liked. Except he had a friend ask me out. He also wanted to know what size bra I wore. I turned him down. But not because I realized he was a douche. I said no because I didn’t believe that anyone would actually want to go out with me. That it was some massive joke. I said no because I didn’t think that I was worthy.

Sixth grade is also the year I think I was raped.

Eighth grade. Mark. Mark was in my science class. Just about everyday I’d get some comment on my body from him. And I said nothing. I pretended that it didn’t bother me, that it was harmless. Finally, I stood up for myself. I told him if he said one more thing that I’d go to the principal and tell him I was being sexually harassed. He never said anything to me again. And yet, one of my greatest regrets is that I didn’t let someone know that it was happening. This now only exists in my memory. I’m sure Mark has forgotten it by now.

Ninth grade, mixed volleyball PE classes. I like volleyball. When we played it in class, I discovered I was marginally proficient. We were in the middle of the unit. Every now and then I would notice a kid in the balcony area watching the games. Latter, I found out he like to look at me because my chest bounced around. The person who told me this made it sound like I should be honored to have gotten this attention. I, instead, felt ashamed.

Eleventh grade.  I was walking, somewhere, and there was this mildly sketchy looking guy.  As I walked past him, he told me I had a nice rack.  I just walked away as quickly as possible.

All of this before I was eighteen, and this isn't even near a complete list.  Each one of these incidences serving as a reminder that to many people my body is public domain.  And as the years have gone by, I still get the comments on my body from strangers.  But I've gotten over the brush with bulimia, and the intense desire to get a nose job, and various other neuroses.  Sure, I still wish I was skinny and had the perfect skin, but these struggles don't define me like they have before.

I still get harassed, usually by a random individual.  But today, most attempts to marginalize me, whether conscious or not, are based on my intelligence.  Most of the time when I come up against this I make some sort of stand.  In just about every incident, they still don't believe me.  And after awhile it becomes pointless.  So I just let them go on.  And soon we reach a point where there is some obvious flaw.  There's an extra meter in the units, or we have the wrong slope.  And I get to point out that yes, the girl was right.

But just the other day I feel into the trap.  I was converting milliamps to amps by dividing by a thousand.  My partner in the lab came up and asked me what I was doing, I should be multiplying by a thousand.  And I believed him.  Against all my instincts, I believed the Man Who Knows All even though he was completely wrong.  And each time I let this happen, I take a step back.  I get angry with myself for letting it happen.  And that nagging sense of doubt, of uncertainty, just grows. 

May Day isn't just May Day anymore. No, by Proclamation of the President of the United States of America it's also the National Day of Prayer. Congress even passed a law so that each year we can pretend we're such a morally superior country because of the deep and abiding faith of its citizens, both present and past. Of course, we'll just forget about the atheists and such. A while we're at it, let's say we respect all religions, but really, it's all about the Christianity. And ignore that fact that we're not the only country in the world that has a large religious community. The hubris in believing that god actually cares about one nation above all others continues to astound me.

WIIIAI has a few words on it, too.

For your reading pleasure,

A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

America trusts in the abiding power of prayer and asks for the wisdom to discern God's will in times of joy and of trial. As we observe this National Day of Prayer, we recognize our dependence on the Almighty, we thank Him for the many blessings He has bestowed upon us, and we put our country's future in His hands.
From our Nation's humble beginnings, prayer has guided our leaders and played a vital role in the life and history of the United States. Americans of many different faiths share the profound conviction that God listens to the voice of His children and pours His grace upon those who seek Him in prayer. By surrendering our lives to our loving Father, we learn to serve His eternal purposes, and we are strengthened, refreshed, and ready for all that may come.
On this National Day of Prayer, we ask God's continued blessings on our country. This year's theme, "Prayer! America's Strength and Shield," is taken from Psalm 28:7, "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped." On this day, we pray for the safety of our brave men and women in uniform, for their families, and for the comfort and recovery of those who have been wounded.
The Congress, by Public Law 100-307, as amended, has called on our Nation to reaffirm the role of prayer in our society by recognizing each year a "National Day of Prayer."
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim May 1, 2008, as a National Day of Prayer. I ask the citizens of our Nation
to give thanks, each according to his or her own faith, for the freedoms and blessings we have received and for God's continued guidance, comfort, and protection. I invite all Americans to join in observing this day with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-first day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.
GEORGE W. BUSH

There's a reason why I've not been that into politics lately. Mostly, I have a lot of other shit of my plate, such as both my parents being unemployed at the moment, and trying to get decent grades. To a lesser extent, I just get too pissed off. I really don't need any extra grief in my life. But this morning, I got cocky. I really didn't think I could get more annoyed than I already was (Thank you, Supreme Court). I was so wrong.
.
At the recent Democratic debate, someone asked Obama why he doesn’t wear a flag pin: “I want to know if you believe in the American flag.” Charlie Gibson adding that not wearing one is a “major liability” for him.

Are you frakking kidding me? Really, you care more about a tiny piece of metal and paint, than I don't know, his frakking voting record or stance on public education funding, or any slew of topics that have any actual relevance to, you know, the real world? I guess someone running to be the President of America doesn't actually 'believe' in American flag and America itself unless he's wearing a tiny pin, probably made in China.

I know I haven't updated for a while. Now that my physics presentation is over with, I have a very small portion of my life back.

Now, I know that most people don't share my fascination with science. In fact, I don't think there's anyone in any of my classes who even comes close to sharing the same level of interest in the fundamentals of nature that I do. You know, isotope drip lines, the Higgs Boson and the Large Hadron Collider, stuff like that. Which is probably why I'm more interested in the intersection of chemistry and physics. (It's really hard to remember that I used to resent having to take physics. To be honest, it's my favorite class this semester.) Regardless of how interested in science someone is, I think everyone should tune into some science going ons every now and then. And not just some social science or psychology study.

So for your edification, a bit on photonic crystals. These devices work on the photonic gap band theory. That is, there is, on occasion, a material that will stop light of certain frequencies from traveling by reflecting it. (There isn't any absorption going on.) If the structure has a complete band gap, no matter which way the light hits the device, it won't be able to get in. Unless there's a defect. Then, that frequency of light can get in, but it will only be able to propagate in that defect. This gap band means you'll be able to manipulate a certain frequency of light; tell it where to go and how to get there. Hell, you can even have light go through 90 degree bends with 100% transmittance. Here's the thing that I find so fascinating about photonic crystals. You don't want a perfect crystal. It's only when you introduce imperfections that form and function come together to create something beautiful. In the future we might see photonic crystals in circuits, creating better fiber optics systems, and even in making paper seem whiter while using less titanium dioxide. If this piqued your interest, here's a couple of general articles you might find interesting: Trapping Light, and Photonic Crystals: Semiconductors of Light. You have to scroll down the page a bit to find the article, and then download it as a pdf. It was put out by Scientific American.

This happened to be the topic of my physics presentation. Which, if I do say so myself, was awesome. He put up the grades for the presentation yesterday, shortly after noon. But I'm in the middle of a "I don't want to know my physics grade" thing, and my partner hadn't looked at the grade, so I didn’t know the score I got. After class, I go up and ask Aaronson about it. It's then I find out we were the only group, out of twelve, to get 100% on our presentation. I got some compliments on the presentation, one minor criticism, and a most awesome comment.

For these presentations, he has another person come in, and after a beer they decide our grades. As Aaronson and I were talking, he mentioned that this other guy had made a comment that he wasn't sure if he should repeat. He wrestled with it for a little while, but, eventually, he told me what it was.

First, a little more info is needed. Aaronson and the other guy both deal with plenty of electromagnetic stuff. And this was the physics involved in photonic gap bands. I was the one who focused on the math, assumptions, and substitution stuff you need to make so that you can get to a master equation, which is an eigenvalue problem in terms of H, the magnetic field.

So back to the conversation. Aaronson tells me, while talking about my presentation the other guy comments "There's nothing sexier than a women saying eigenvalue problem." This comment has, quite literally, made my day and may very well make my week. I mean, I find stuff along those lines to be a total turn on, ( if someone ever used a nerdy physics or math pickup line on me, I'd totally fall for it) but I haven't met a whole lot of people who feel the same way I do. It's just nice to know that there are guys out there who's idea of what's sexy isn't limited to the physical. That being smart, and not hiding it, will help me meet a person I'd want to be in a relationship with. It's just too bad that when I do meet people who feel this way they're either married or in a serious relationship. Still, what a great comment.

Some background. My dad was laid off in the first week of January. Since then, he can't be bothered to actually track down another job. One part of me understands this. Line work in this type of weather is a complete bitch. But here's the thing. He was laid off previously, just over a year ago, for three months. That drained us of any resources we might have had. Then, when he did get another job, it was in another state, and meant a split paycheck. There was no savings, and things really sucked. I mean really sucked. He's the only person in the house who is capable of earning enough money to keep the family afloat, you know, paying the bills, taxes, food, and gas. Even if Kate and I were to get jobs that paid $10 or more, we would have to be working 50-60 hours each, just to bring in what he usually does in a week. That's without any overtime on his part.

OK, end that rant.

He hasn't left the house for a week straight. A freaking week. And quite frankly, the very thought of even possilbly spending a week at that house, and not having a reason to escape makes me bonkers. (Winter break was bad enough.) Add that to the fact that Dad seems to have no intention of ever leaving the house again, I'm not to keen on being there. So I never told him that I'm in the middle of spring break. I did tell Mom, just this past Friday, but she'd forgotten it by Monday. And I couldn't tell her, since he's always there. Each time I wanted to bring it up yesterday, there he was, butting into the conversation. So now I pretty much have to keep up the charade of going to school. I don't feel too horribly guilty for this. At the moment, I'm at LCC, and, until I started writing this post, was working on my orgo lab stuff.

I'm just not looking foward to the day when they start to wonder about spring break. Maybe Dad'll have a job at that point, and I won't have to worry about it.

Both
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3428012.ece

http://lolinator.com/lol/somechemstudent.livejournal.com/

So today's the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, and as such Blog for Choice Day. NARAL has posed the question why is it important to vote pro-choice? Throughout the day, I'll be updating this post, going into my personal reasons.

To be quite frank, if a candidate is not pro-choice, I will not vote for her. If I cannot find out her stance, I don't vote her, even if she's the only one running. It's that important to me.

To start off, my most basic and obvious reasons why I will only vote pro-choice. One, I'm sexually active. (Not so much at the moment, but, you know, theoretically.) Two, I don't want children. Let’s face it, even with all the precautions in the world, there is the possibility that I could end up pregnant someday. If that ever happens, I know exactly what I have to do. Whether it’s legal or not, I will terminate any pregnancy. I would prefer that it take place in a safe, clean environment and be performed by professionals.

It's important to realize that, at least in the political arena, pro-choice/ pro-life is more than abortion. It's about controlling women and their sexuality, an inability to recognize that women make rational and fully informed decisions concerning their reproductive future, healthcare, education, and many more issues.

The above clip features Leslee J. Ulruh, founder of Abstinence Clearinghouse, discussing the release of Lybrel, the no period pill. This woman is a powerful force in the pro-life movement at both the state and national level. She was behind the abortion ban in South Dakota, and has been praised by President Bush multiple times. She may not be an elected official, but our pro-life representatives certainly listen to her. I doubt that her extreme views are representative of the general pro-life population. But it's the crazy, vocal nuts that pro-life candidates respond to.

And now the next point, abstinence-only education. It doesn't work, states, such as Virginia, are starting to realize it. We waste millions of dollars misleading, and straight out lying, to this nation's teenagers, all in the name of self-righteous morality, kind like nut job stances on abortion.

When I vote for a pro-choice candidate, I feel semi-confident that I'm voting for someone that actually regards women as, you know, an actual human being. Recently, Huckabee was talking about the criminalization of abortion. The gist of it was doctors should be punished, and the women are just victims. Because women obviously have not considered what an abortion, or adoption, or going through with a pregnancy, actually means to their future. They're too emotional, or whatever crap reason you're going to go with, to make such an important decision. Condescending misogyny at its best.

Dear Friends,

I need your help.

Two years ago, 20 year old Jamie Leigh Jones was drugged, assaulted, and viciously gang raped on the job by her fellow coworkers. Learning of the attack, her employers placed her under armed guard in a shipping container for 24 hours without access to food or water.

Two years later, these horrific acts of unspeakable violence, as well as, the unbelievable reaction by her employers have gone unpunished and justice has not been served.

Why? How this could this happen? Because the 20 year old victim was a government contractor at KBR in the Green Zone in Baghdad, Iraq.

Jamie Leigh Jones, an American citizen, while employed by KBR, a former subsidiary of Halliburton was brutally gang raped by fellow KBR employees two years ago while stationed in Iraq. Army doctors performed a medical examination which showed that she had been raped both anally and vaginally. However, the rape kit was turned over to KBR and portions of the rape kit have vanished. Jamie was then ordered by her KBR employers to remain in a shipping container under armed guard for 24 hours without access to food or water until she was rescued after her Member of Congress demanded action by the State Department.

After two years, not only has the Justice Department not brought any criminal charges, but ABC News recently reported that they could not confirm that any federal agency was investigating the case at all.

There are over 20,000 Americans employed by US government contractors in Iraq. These individuals have the same right to treatment, services, and proper investigations when they are the victims of violent crime as those of us here at home. Their offenders, who are paid with American taxpayer dollar, should be held accountable.

Since Jamie has gone public with her story, it is clear that this is not an isolated incident; many women working for US Government contractors face sexual assault and harassment. Yet, the perpetrators of these violent crimes are not held accountable and justice is not served.

The current state of affairs is absolutely unacceptable. Action is required.

This is where I need your help.

I, along with Congressman Ted Poe and Congresswoman Jan Schakowsky, am taking the first step to ensuring accountability by sending letters to Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice demanding answers in the KBR rape cases and asking them to clearly define the steps they are taking to ensure that what happened to Jamie will ever happen again.

I need your help to get your Member of Congress to sign on to these letters. It’s been two years and it is obvious that the Departments of Defense and State are not taking this issue seriously. We need to show them that the House of Representatives demands action.

Please call your Member of Congress as soon as possible and ask them to contact me, Louise M. Slaughter, to sign on to the letters to Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice demanding answers about the KBR rape cases and how they plan to prevent these occurrences in the future.

With your help, we can take the first step to preventing what happened to Jamie from ever happening again.

In solidarity,

Louise M. Slaughter

Member of Congress

I decided to check out my primary ballot, since it's this upcoming Tuesday. I scroll down to the Democrat part of it, and only Hillary Clinton, Chris Dodd, Mike Gravel, and Denis Kucinch are listed. What happened to Edwards and Obama? There's an uncommitted and a write-in space, but still, what's going on with leaving out two of the top three candidates? I really haven't been paying that much attention to the primary stuff. I'm vaguely aware that there was some hullabaloo over the Michigan primaries, with having them set so early, but I couldn't bring myself to pay attention. I'd start to think about the amount of money being spent, and the fact that we have an incredibly stupid nomination process, and that these people started campaigning for a nomination for an election that was over a freaking year away. And then I'd just get annoyed and would want to start throwing things at the TV or computer screen, whichever I was in front of at the time.

And somehow, I missed this in July.

"You will be asked to comply with Michigan’s voter identification requirement at the polls. Michigan’s voter ID law is in effect. It was upheld by the Supreme Court last July and requires that voters present photo identification in order to vote. Properly registered voters that do not bring acceptable ID, such as a Michigan driver’s license, personal ID card or other current ID document, need only sign an affidavit stating they do not have ID to obtain a ballot."

Really, not that onerous of a voter ID law, but the principle of it pisses me off.

OK, I found this. So that's what's going on. FFS people, quit being such fucking idiots. I mean really, let's just have a pissing contest, and only accomplish in confusing the voters. This is the type of crap that makes me the political pessimist I am.

Damn it, Huckabee was actually in St. Johns. To think, I missed an opportunity to mock this man.  I mean seriously, how can anyone support a man who doesn't 'believe' in evolution.  I wonder if he's one of those young Earth creationist; wouldn't shock me if he was.

If you have no idea what's so special about that day, it's the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade. It's also Blog for Choice Day. This year's topic, why it's important to vote pro-choice. So a small preview. Pro-choice, pro-life is much more than being for or against safe, accessible, legal abortions, at least in politics. It's about getting rid of abstinence-only education, making sure college women can actually afford their birth control, and many other issues related to reproductive rights, health care, and whether politicians recognize that fact that yes, women are actually capable of making rational, informed decisions pertaining to their future.

88% Dennis Kucinich
86% Mike Gravel
81% Chris Dodd
79% John Edwards
78% Joe Biden
76% Barack Obama
73% Hillary Clinton
67% Bill Richardson
37% Rudy Giuliani
28% John McCain
27% Ron Paul
21% Mike Huckabee
21% Mitt Romney
18% Tom Tancredo
11% Fred Thompson

2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

I'm so annoyed by that fact that Huckabee isn't at the bottom of the list.

Bill Kristol is a fucking nut job.

I'm looking forward to when the LHC goes online.

Ever since I first read about nuclear reactions, I've wondered why we haven't done more with it. And the whole "what about the terrorist" is a pretty crap argument.

Hollywood, you're good at making money, not so good at science.

Finally, a useful application of electrochemsitry.

Want to get an idea to spread? Consider the math.

Thanks to the regular scratch-ticket stocking stuffer, I now have enough money to get my tattoo. And there's a blood drive on Monday, and I'm 99.9% over my generic head cold. So once again, I will be gifting myself a tattoo. I'm going to start making some calls, and hopefully set up an appointment sometime in the next couple of weeks. I particularly like this font type for the infinity symbol, and I'm pretty sure it's what I'm going to go with.


I now own a pair of pants that fit me reasonably well. At least they're not hanging off my ass like my other pairs. Yeah, I prefer skirts and dresses now. Which wouldn't be such a big deal if it wasn't fucking freezing out, with loads of snow on the ground.

I've discovered that Coco really like asparagus.

If you able to, I recommend making a donation to Planned Parenthood before the end of the year.

It really shouldn't be much of a shock that Bush's administration likes to fuck around with science. And yes, it's important to realize the policy end of stuff, we can't forget how poorly science is being funded. And of course, there's my personal pet peeve, of how you have to 'prove' that your research will immediately result in tangible results. Which is just fucking stupid. The point of scientific research should be discovery. I mean, there really is no piratical reason why we should study things like neutrinos, though someone could attempt to do so. (I mean seriously, there are so many issues in basing your research in trying to develop something like that. Which leads to promises that can't be kept, and way too much money wasted. I'd say the DOD's R&D budget is a wonderful example of this.) But this type of research is important. It's fascinating, it begs so many questions about the world around us, and who knows where the results can lead us. Maybe it would lead to the ability to neutralize nuclear bombs, but that shouldn't be the point of the research. The point of it is to discover, to try and understand the universe around us. If we're incapable of realizing the value of simply knowing something, of endeavoring to understand ourselves and the world around us, what does that say about us as a society?

Christmas is almost over, thank god. This holiday always puts me on edge. Though this year was one of the better ones. I actually got stuff I like, too. My mom got me a new messenger bag. Which probably made me the happiest. Someone actually noticed that my current bag is basically done for. And no jewelery. This is the first Christmas that's happened. Maybe some of my family members are actually starting to get me.

Last night we went to my aunt and uncle's house for a little gathering. My cousin has a X-box, and he got Rock Band and all the gear for it yesterday. Of course I started to play it. Did Not like the guitar. I guess it's because if I was interested in playing the guitar, I'd actually want to be playing the guitar, and not pushing random buttons. I did, however, love the drums. I'm just glad we don't have it, though we could get it since it's available for a PS2. It's way too addictive.

Looking back at last year's resolution post, I didn't do too horribly. I did loose a little weight, and while I didn't keep to the two "Great Books" a month, I did read a handful throughout the year. Didn't really keep the frequently updated, semi-interesting journal resolution, though at certain times of the year, like when we lost our power or had no Internet, it was a bit beyond my control. Didn't get to read the bible, and I'm not even going to try. At this point, I comfortable with being ignorant on that topic. Did finish up some of my UFOs, but now I have brand new ones, so that's a wash.

So new resolutions. Be healthier. Become more culturally literate, especially in the sciences. Make an honest attempt of getting into a relationship. (This may actually mean Internet dating, but I'm not there, yet.) Start practicing the viola again. Ace my upcoming classes.

By far, the hardest will be the relationship one. I just do not know how to interact with someone I'm interested in without coming off like an ass. I mean really, I have some of the most pathetic social skills out there. While everyone else was learning how to interact with everyone else, I was, well, not. I was practicing my hermit skills. I really can only imagine this attempt spectacularly blowing up in my face.

I managed to give myself a bit of a black eye.  It's more along the lines of really bad raccoon eyes, but only for my right eye. 

I have this old desk in my room, and occasionally the drawers get stuck.  Well my knitting drawer got stuck, so I took the drawer below it out so I could try and pull it out.  Well, it wouldn't.  Turns out that one of my knitting needles was causing it to jam.  So I'm yanking on the damn thing, trying to get to open up at least an inch, and all of a sudden it comes loose and hits me right below my eye.  Of course it happens around midnight, so me yelling out obscenities isn't going to go over so well with the other members of the family.  So I'm in my room, trying to keep quiet, and making sure that I don't spill all of my knitting stuff, not being able to see out of one eye.  I have to imagine it would've been quite amusing to watch.

I was long overdue for something like this.  Because for the past semester I haven't tripped, fallen, or even sprained my ankle.

I really do dislike the FCC, bunch of fucking bastards.  And not the sexy kind.

Well, my grades have been coming in.  And I've actually looked at them, and managed not to  have a panic attack.  I missed a 3.5 in calculus by 9 points.  Oh well.  I have a 3.0 in organic chemistry at the moment, but when school starts up again, I'll be getting a 3.5.  I had a point on one of my final exams that he said I could get back.  That one point pushes me from a 83.6% to a solid 84.0%, which is the cut-off for a 3.5.  So, yeah, that's at the top of my to do list.  There's the rather miraculous 4.0 in physics.  Pulling that off makes up for the colossal fuck up in calculus for me.  I'm still not sure about quantitative analysis yet; I'm still missing two big grades, lab seven and my paper.  I'm not too worried, I should 4.0 it.  If I get the minimum amount of points possible on my lab, I only need to get less than 2/3 of the points on the paper to get a 90%.  So this semester I'll end up with a 3.63 GPA, and an overall one of 3.91.  Not bad, if I do say so myself.

I just finished my first ever physics course, and, surprisingly, I managed a 4.0. Originally, physics was the reason I wasn't going to be a chemistry major. Had I been able to stay at MHC, I don't think I would've changed my mind about that. And it would've been one of my stupider decisions.

I have to admit, though, that I did luck out on the instructor. Then, that got me to thinking how fortunate I've been in my science teachers. I had relatively competent teachers in elementary school, and Mr. K and Mrs. Bell were pretty good. But the teacher I have to give the most credit to is my eighth grade science teacher, Mrs. K. She was awesome. She was a genuinely good teacher, and had a vested interest in her students.

In my senior year, we had to shadow a person in a field that we were interested in. I thought it was the dumbest bunch of crap ever, and I didn't want to waste my class time on it. (I didn't exactly have a light course load, and I'd already missed days for other school stuff.) It ends up getting to be the last few weeks to get the damn thing done. I'm not sure, but if I hadn't done it, I don't think I would have been able to walk across the stage at graduation, or something. This was also back in the day when I was like "Med school? Law school? Both?". Education was nowhere on my radar. But I set up to spend part of my day with Mrs. K anyways. I could just walk over to the middle school, spend half the day with a person that I liked, and be done with it. I think it was that day that planted the idea that maybe, I could be a teacher. It would take a few years, but eventually, I did figure out that yeah, I would like to teach.

But ignoring the fact that she's the one who gave me my push to education, she's the one who got me hooked on science. It was nothing grand or anything, but with her support and guidance, I developed my love for science and my political activism. If it hadn't been for her influence, I might not have continued with science after the disappointing experiences of biology and my first chemistry course, and the ineptitude of my high school counselor. I was good enough in every other subject area that I could've easily decided to focus more on the humanities, and still be happy with it.

I'm so glad that didn't happen. I love what I'm studying. Yes, I get to feel like a massive ass just about everyday because of the idiotic assumptions and plain out stupid mistakes I make, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have found something that I love, and someday I'll get to share it.

Like I said before, I was lucky. Last year, I read that Mrs. K had retired. I know the district has been having financial troubles, and that year about thirty teachers retired throughout the district. Incidentally, I'd had fifteen of them during my eight year stay at the district. Now, I'm fairly certain that the teacher that replaced Mrs. K is competent, but I can't help but feel that future students are going to miss out. Mrs. K was an extraordinary teacher, someone you do not come across everyday.

That's what I want to be. I want to get someone to love learning. Yes, it's great if I could get them hooked on chemistry, since chemistry is the best subject ever, but it's more important that they want to learn. That they're not just in my class to memorize a few things, get a decent grade, and forget it all after they pass. I want my students to get out of my class an understanding of how the world works. Yes, they're going to have to do some memorization type stuff and deal with the basics so they can grasp what I'm talking about, but that stuff is almost secondary. What's important is the process. How do we manage to get ourselves from point A to point B? Sure, you can memorize a bunch of steps, but how will that help anyone. I certainly don't have it down; I still find myself getting trapped in the way students are 'supposed' to think. The answers are easy enough to find, and doesn't always require you to reason anything out. Years of being able to figure of the answers the traditional way has given me a relatively effective toolbox, but also a limited one. I want to change that. Forget what's supposed to be, forget that you shouldn't contradict your teachers, or people in authority. They can screw up just as well as anyone one else, and sometimes even more spectacularly than most. Argue, develop your own ideas. So what if they're wrong. It's not the result that matters. It's the process. Whether it's a math problem, or just life in general, it all comes back to that basic premise.

For quite possibly the first time in my life, I can say I'm happy.  It's a bit odd, considering that things still suck with the family, this won't be my best semester ever, and other stuff.  But my default emotion is happy.  This is new.  Usually, my default emotion is "annoyed with the world".  Part of this transition is a bit of conscious effort on my part, but that's me trying to control my reactions to specific situations.  It doesn't explain the fact that I'm smiling about 80% of the time, or that I just feel better in general. 

There are a few things that bug me.  Like the fact I feel like I can't come out to my family.  It really bugs me.  I'm not ashamed of what I am, in any way, shape, or form.  Sure there are a few things I'd like to change about myself, like my weight or nose, but I don't have to.  But no matter how confident I feel about myself, I'm scared that if I let my family know I'm bi, that I'm putting them in a position of power over me that I do not want them to have.  The way they talk, the way they act when I bring up queer issues, I just know that I wouldn't like their response.  I'm pretty sure most of them wouldn't be willing to change their way of thinking just because I'm not straight. 

And then there's my relationship status, or lack thereof.  I do need to do something about it.  But I honestly don't know how.  I've been on two dates in my life, I've slept with one guy, and that's it.  I don't really know how to interact with someone that I'd want to become involved with.  Hell, I can't even find someone I'm actually interested who isn't off limits.  This is one area of my life where I have no clue what I should be doing. 

There are two periods in my life that are basically fogged over;  I only have a few clear memories.  Which is weird, because I can still describe the dress I wore to my first day of kindergarten.  I remember the most ridiculous things from every other time in my life.  But ask me to describe a typical day in one of my fog periods, and I draw a blank.

The last one wasn't that long ago, from about October, 2004 to February, 2005.  The cut off point is a little blurred in this one; everything was so monotonously the same after I left MHC.  I can only remember a handful of events from that time, and I remember almost nothing from my classes.  I'm able to deal with this.  Yes, it's scary realizing that you don't remember five months of your life very well, but I think I have a good grasp of what I was going through that lead me to that place.  It happened, and I've learned from it.  Hopefully, I won't ever let something like that ever happen to me again.

But then there's this first fog period in my life, when I was around twelve or thirteen.  It's a blank that almost doesn't register in my mind.  I never even thought about it until my grandmother told me that everyone was really concerned for me at the time.  This was a complete shock to me, because I perceived nothing wrong with that part of my life.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was something messed up there.  With what happened last time I do have actual memories, just not a lot of them.  In this period of my like I just have disjointed fragments.  There's hardly one clear memory from that time in my life.

There is one thing though.  This is the first time I've said this out loud and wasn't under the influence of alcohol.  It's a broken something.  I don't know if it's an actual memory, or some weird melding of other stuff from the time, or what.  Once I started to think back to this time, I kept getting this same fragment back.  A room with cherry printed wallpaper and a guy with dark hair, and a feeling of uneasiness.  Nothing else.  I can't ever remember having been in a room like that one, and all I come up with for the guy is a blurred out image.

I normally would have dismissed it as some figment of my imagination.  But what the hell caused me to blank out a roughly six month portion of my life?  I've talked with my siblings and parents, and there wasn't anything big going on at home.  I was an outsider at school, but I've always been an outsider.  That is not something that would push me over the edge.  From what I've been able to gather there is nothing out the ordinary from that part of my life that explains my fog.

Which leads me back to my broken fragment.  It's never gone away, and it's never changed.  It's always this strangely clear impression of the wallpaper, and some guy with dark brown hair, and this strange feeling of detached unease, as if I wasn't actually part of what was happening.

I almost feel like an idiot for saying this, but I think I was rapped.  In a way, it would help explain things.  At that age, I kind of knew that sex was, but I'm pretty sure I didn't know what rape was.  If it did happen, I wouldn't have any way to describe what happened.  It makes sense then that I would just blank everything out; I am a bit of a master at denial.

I've only ever voiced this out loud once, and I was quite drunk at the time.  At this point, it's not the that I might have been rapped that bothers me.  Where I am now, I can handle it.  Somehow, I was able to develop relatively healthy sexual values, so I'm not ashamed of what could have happened to me.  It's that fact that I don't know.  That I'll most likely never know what happened to me.  That there may never be any closure for me on this.  That's the part I find the hardest to deal with; I'll never know. 

I don't know why, but after more than a decade of hardly having a period ever, my body has now decided to have one every thirty days.  It seemed to decide this about four months ago.  I had almost completely forgotten just how annoying it was. 

I can deal with the day or two of debilitating cramps.  Pop some pills, and ignore it.  It's the fucking hormones that mess me up.   I am as horny as fuck, and there is only a limited amount I can do about it.  I can't keep still, I can't concentrate on a damn thing.  I keep having flashbacks to some of my more graphic dreams.   It's a constant distraction the whole entire freaking time.

This couldn't of happened at a  worst time.  Next week is finals.  And I can barely stay focused long enough to finish ten calc. problems, let alone get everything done that I need to for calc, orgo, and physics.

I really need to get to PP so I can get on the Pill and not have to deal with this for a long freaking time.